Anyway.
Life. Am I right? So many things. So many highs and lows. I'm not
going to attempt to cover them all. I was just rereading some old
stuff, all my various word documents with lists of goals to
accomplish and things to do, and all the different projects I've
started with the intent to make myself into a better person. It was
frankly exhausting reading all of them. I'm very much feeling the
need to simplify. Which is weird, cause on a normal day, I feel like
my life is still pretty simple, and not near as busy as most people's
lives seem to be. I still only work part-time, and Carol is still
basically the only friend I ever hang out with, and I haven't had a
calling for a long time, and we don't have kids, etc. But I still
feel so crowded and overwhelmed. I think it may just be the weight of
all the things I know I should be doing, or want to be doing, but
aren't. All the things I've intended to do over the years but have
never finished or succeeded at. I really wish I could find a way to
break that pattern. I love making goals and resolutions, and lists and
plans to accomplish those things, but in the back of my mind there's
always this hopelessness. Cause I know from previous experience, i.e.
my whole life, that I won't succeed at most of them. Despite my best
intentions, I'll continue being the same person I've pretty much
always been. And that's very depressing. I feel like the goals JJ and
I make as a couple always follow the same pattern, too.
But
that doesn't mean I'm going to stop making goals. Cause just the act
of making them is fun for me, maybe even therapeutic. And who knows,
maybe this year I'll actually succeed at a few of them. Who knows!
It's hard to resist feeling inspired by the dawning of a new year.
Even though, deep down, you know it's the same old life with the same
old patterns and problems, and 365 days is just some arbitrary system
of keeping track of time so January 1st doesn't really
mean anything – that idea of a blank slate is just so irresistible.
And here's a picture of Meatball tucked into bed like a human. (Notice he's sleeping on Daddy's pillow, and not the mini Meatball-sized pillow next to him that I made for him out of our old sheets. Also he's wearing pajamas).
Until next time!
